Rambling's from Cave-Man Land

(my mom has NOTHING to do with this post)

Looking up from a miserable streak of planting one day, I locked eyes with an enormous black bear. He was right across the dirt road, 30 odd feet away, looking at me. I cursed my luck, looked at him, and wondered what to do. Bears are common in Northern BC, and they usually don't bother you, but this one was very big and very close. I yelled for my co-workers (bears don't like crowds) but no one was in shouting distance. I wondered if they would be able to hear my screams as I was being dismembered. I looked longingly for the truck, but it was nowhere to be found. I tried to ignore the bear, but such a thing is hard to do.

Finally I screwed up my courage, smiled to myself at the absurdity of it all, raised my shovel and started yelling. Yelling screaming, making myself look big. I advanced a couple of steps, waving my pathetic weapon, and the mantra in my head was "please don't eat me please don't eat me". As I got closer, the bear rose to face me- for one wild moment I braced myself for the charge- and then with the fluidity that all wild things have, he disappeared into the bush. As my heart rate slowed down, relief began to flood over me, and something else... a tiny sliver of regret. So small you could almost ignore it, yet so foolish it borders on machismo. "I was ready", it said. "Why won't you fight?"

I'm fascinated by the concept of man-eating animals. Not a man-killer, who acts in self-defence or anger and takes a human life (such as a rampaging bull or an angry pitbull) but a true man-eater, who hunts down a human being for food. The black bear I encountered was obviously not one. In fact, every bear I have ever met has given way. Some dash off into the bush, some retreat more grudgingly, but I have never even been threatened. I have been circled by a yearling wolf, a lean and gangly thing, and as I wondered if my size could compensate for his speedI remembered that entire species- cheetahs, african wild dogs and North American wolves among others- have sworn off man-eating.

I have stared into the eyes of a shark from a shark cage ( see http://filth-man.blogspot.com/2006/08/instead-of-info-i-have-decided-to.html), looked down on a hunting lion from the back of an open jeep, fished in a crocodile-packed lagoon and observed an irate leopard through an open window. (For what COULD have happened, watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCAoIywxFk8. My leopard took off). These are some of my greatest memories. Perhaps my most memorable experience is catching giraffes with my uncle- huge, majestic creatures that are subdued by hordes of men with ropes- and the sheer exhileration of realizing it could- and wanted to- kick my head off but I was just out of reach.

The true man eater is rare. This is due to one of two reasons (and yes, they may both be true): Either a) animals have learned to avoid messing with man because he has guns and bombs and a long, bitter memory or b) because God has put man fimly in charge, as the book of Genesis seems to suggest. Man eating is very much location-dependant, which suggests that a) has a lot of truth to it. In Southern Africa, where proliferation of guns is a major social issue, leopards exist on the outskirts of major cities without ever being seen. In India, where peasants have no means of self-defence, they become a snack. Basically, predators eat people where they can get away with it.

African Lions, the scariest animals I have ever seen- just look into the pitiless eyes of a big lion and try to feel no fear- are nonetheless safe enough that, when I was on Safari 2 years ago we slept in the Serengeti, the Okavango Delta and the Ngorongoro Crater in fabric tents. (Lion safety lesson.. a) stay in your friggin' tent at night. b) If a lion comes by be very quiet. c) if it tries to get into your tent, kick it in the face. d) If it really wants to eat you, you are screwed.) Sure the ocasional tourist gets nailed- usually because they are blatantly violating park rules (one moron tried to re-arrange some lion cubs for a picutre)- but all in all, if you are careful you are relatively safe. This is not the case in more primative areas, where human beings have the ablility to deplete a predator's natural food source but not enough technology to protect themselves. Some remote parts of India, for example.

Yes, this does tie into my upcoming trip: I was researching national parks in India to find one to visit. Specifically, I want to see a Tiger. I found out two things:
a) Most National Parks were created to protect diminishing Tiger Populations
b) These tigers eat a crap load of people.

Really... it's quite bizarre. The descriptions for some of the parks go into long explanations of how they have had, and continue to have, problems with tigers nailing locals. a year What a travel ad that is: "our locals get eaten by tigers. But come on in, you won't." ( http://www.india-wildlife-tour.com/wildlife-sancturies-india/dudhwa-national-park.html. and http://www.india-wildlife-tour.com/wildlife-sancturies-india/sunderbans-national-park-tiger-reserve.html are good examples)

I am fascinated. Fascinated by the whole idea of human beings still at the mercy of nature, who go to bed at night knowing (as I did that night in the Serengeti) that something bigger and stronger might drag you off in the middle of the night and there was nothing you could do. In bear country I sometimes sleep with a big knife, wondering if it would be completely useless in self defence. I have found a common theme amongst my outdoorsy friends- every one of us wants, deep down inside, the chance to fight a bear. Many of us even have a plan, from the truly bizarre (do a flip over the bear and stab it in the back??) to the masochistic. (A friend of my grandfather's, when attacked by a lion, grabbed it by the tongue. The lion ate his arm but was unable to get to his vitals before the man stabbed it to death.) Perhaps this goes back to our anscestral past when, like the peasants in some parts of Africa and India, a man's abilites really were measured by how hard and how fast he could throw a spear. (To make things even worse for them, most of the man-eaters come from national parks. Imagine being told the government is protecting the killer of your children.)

I do not write to incite fear in those who read this. Tourists are well protected- they, after all, bring money. I write to share my fascination. I think there is a little cave-man in all of us, a little primative sliver that feels resignation that wants to prove itself against the wild. In Southern Africa, the animals everyone wants to see are the "big 5": the professed five most dangerous animals, the lion, leopard, buffalo, elephant and rhinocerous. (I think they got it wrong though: hippos, hyenas, crocodiles and snakes would make my list). Much in demand are the Walking Safaris- a guided walk through big game territory. (My mom did one as a teen-ager. A hippo almost got her. She loved it.)

Peope in the Bible lived like this. Biblical threats are written in language the people of that time fully understood- hungry lions, bears robbed of their cubs, angry serpents. Imagine walking to your girlfriend's house, filled with thoughts of romance, and being jumped by a lion. A lion! Then imagine turning around, grabbing it by the head and tearing it apart.. and being so blase about it that you didn't even tell your parents. How cool is that?

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful- very thankful- to be living in a world of safety, where my life is not in constant danger. I do not want to get eaten, and if a bear ever does come after me I will probably wet my pants. But still... I can't keep thinking... how cool is that? I wonder how many other people (especially men, this might be one of those "guy things") agree?