Get Out... and Stay Out!

Thought I'd share a couple of good meetings I had... The first involved our prison program, where I challenged 4 inmates point-blank to share their plans for staying clean once they get out. There's just too much peer pressure to stay out of gangsterism with no plan. We discussed moving to a new environment, getting and keeping a job, possibilities for working with NPO's, and techniques for avoiding temptation. It was great to see them really think about what it will take to build a new life for themselves.

We also got the dreaded question "what if my gang comes after me?" This is no paranoia... an ex-con was recently shot to death the day he was released. The best I could do was tell them "you're life will also be in danger if you're involved in crime. You may as well try to start a new life"... Easy to say, hard to practice, it's not my butt on the line. How many of these guys will actually stay clean? I have no idea. Going back is just so easy.

I was asked if I could pick up a murderer, released on Thursday, every day and bring him to the YMCA for volunteer work. I'm told that he's changed, but he wasn't in my group and I'm somewhat worried. Dunno if I'll do it. I guess my faith is weak, my car just seems so hijack-able.

The Vice Principal of Groenvlei school gave us, not only permission but enthusiastic suggestions and a promise of co-operation so we can start painting rooms with the students. (Are you listening, other SA administrators? When someone wants to help for free you say friggin' yes!) Project could go as early as next week. I hope it causes less gong-show than the doorknobs did. Incidentally, the doorknob problem seems to be solved; we combine the shiny handles and bar on "new" locks with the locking mechanism on stronger "old" locks to create one functioning entity. (By "we", I mean "me". Apparently you can lead a caretaker to step-by-step instructions, but you can't make him do unsupervised work.)

If anyone's into prayer, I would really appreciate some, both for the prisoners of Pollsmore and the students of Groenvlei trying to make a change for the better.

To fill up Space

For those of you interested in cross-cultural gender roles, picture this scene from my place:
two shirtless, muscle-flexing Afrikaaner farmboys sit relax on their couch, having a beer. The girlfriend of one is in the kitchen, making sandwitches to their specifications. Both of them are watching "Desperate Housewives" on tv. No one thinks this is wierd.

In other news, filth-man has writer's block. I'm trying to work on a post about the supernatural, but until my brain gets in gear here's more pics to look at.

1: Some sort of undersized and over-ugly sand shark
2: A typical classroom
3: Some Hanover Park troublemakers
4: A high gut-wrench. (this one's technically from last year).

Updates

I am now staying on a farm in Durbanville with some teammates of mine.

We have unfortunately had problems with the door knob project, due to a mixture of cheap doorknobs, caretaker sloppiness and incredibly destructive students- and teachers- some of them have already broken. By putting together old, broken doorknobs and new, breaking doorknobs we hope to get them fixed soon. I would say more but it would involve a lot of cursing.

I went to a "healing service" at a church recently. It involved the least convincing display of miraculous power I have ever seen. "My knee hurts, and now it doesn't!" Even a wrestling match can do that...

Finally, I got a great DVD of Pollsmore prison. Please ask to see it when I get back. It includes the two gangsters paraphrased in the previous post.

Evil Forces

"Every two weeks, I pick a man and I make him a woman. He washes my clothes, and brings me food, and I have sex with him. If he refuses I kill him."- General of the "28s" gang, Pollsmore prison.

"I left my gun on the table when my son was two. It was loaded. He shot himself through the chest, and died in my arms on the way to the hospital. I trust in God that, one day, I will see him again." Leader of the "Americans" gang, Mennenberg.

These two quotes (and to be honest, I paraphrased) are from a video discussing gang activity in South Africa. The first gangster, imprisoned for life in Pollsmore, has so much power he rapes people weekly, and has killed several, on the inside without reprocussion. The guards fear and respect him, and the entire prison population jumps at his command. He is a king in prison, ruling the fortress that should be punishing him by fear.

The 2nd gangster leads the most-feared street gang in South Africa (which is currently battling the 28s for drug turf.) Haunted by his past, inspired by his firm religous beliefs which make it crystal clear that his lifestyle as atrocious, he still has no intention of quitting his life of crime. The money made from tik (crystal meth) is just too good. The entire justice system is so corrupt- cops, judges, prison guards- that the crooks at the top can brag about their crimes on television and still get away with it.

Hearing such statements, and talking with members of their gangs in prison, I find it easy to believe in the Devil. In Evil, real and living and active, twisting ordinary human beings to do horrible things. When heterosexual men gang-rape boys for the fun of it, when devout Christians live lives that cry out "don't do this- ever!" something is seriously wrong. We can try to explain such behavior, I'm sure, citing psychology and sociology and pharmacy and historical factors. We might even explain it well. However, behind it all I see the hand of an evil mastermind, a spiritual being dedicated to screwing up the world as most it can.

Christians (and some other religons) call this being Satan, of course. In churches back home we believe in Satan- the Bible mentions him after all- but we don't think about him that much. Mostly, he seems to make people tired at prayer meetings and cranky at staff meetings at camp. In South Africa, theologans analyze the Bible regarding Satan to a ridiculous degree. They come up with highly inventive and shockingly specific explanations about Satan's past, his future, his present powers, the ranks and names of his evil minions, and even his appearance. While I find the theology fanciful, I now understand the emphasis: in Africa, the hard work of Evil Beings is easy to see, and people gleefully hop on board.

Consider, finally, what I consider the most depressing- and fascinating- part of the Bible:

When the thousand years are over, Satan will be released from his prison and will go out to deceive the nations in the four corners of the earth—Gog and Magog—to gather them for battle. In number they are like the sand on the seashore. They marched across the breadth of the earth and surrounded the camp of God's people, the city he loves. But fire came down from heaven and devoured them.
Revelation 20

For those not familiar with the book of Revelation, this event takes place after Satan has been in prison for 1000 years and God rules the earth. Basically, people have been living in heaven-on-earth while Satan has long hours to think about not pissing God off anymore. However, Satan is (apparently) so evil that, knowing full well he will get his butt kicked again, he rushes off to cause more misery (much like many of Pollsmore's prisoners, who spend their whole lives in-and-out of jail.) And human beings, having lived in heavenly conditions for 1000 years, decide to fight for Evil. What could compel one to do such a thing? (Don't tell me they are innocently misled. They have 1000 years to see what is right, they can see God face-to-face and ask Him if they have questions, they even have the book of Revelation before them to explain what's going on.) Evil beckons and human beings willingly follow, spitting in the face of what could have been. We do not, today, have the ablility to see God face-to-face. Few of us will ever join a street gang. We may never even shoplift instead of working. However, I wonder how often we- myself included- do the exact same thing on a different scale. Knowing exactly, without a doubt, that something is wrong, we shrug our shoulders and do it anyway.

I hate to end this post on such a miserable note, but I feel that if I make it longer it will start to look dumb. I will mention, however, a glimmer of hope, perhaps the only hope against supernatural evil: supernatural good. My faith may tell about the devil, but it also says that no human being, no matter how messed up, is beyond redemption. In a subsequent post, which will require a lot of thought (and thus might take a while) I want to explore the possibility of human beings choosing to side with supernatural Good (and after all, many do... in Revelation, countless human beings do NOT follow Satan), what that looks like, and the results it has.

Doorknobs

Like a swarm of screwdriving pirannahs, an army of YMCA workers, students in the peer education program and caretakers descended on Groenvlei High School today, removing old and broken doorknobs and replacing them with shiny new ones. Step one of our restoration plans was a sucess.

Pictures:

1) Locks galore
2) Installation
3) Peer Educators group photo
4) This road divides 2 gang turfs

Edit: Today (the next day) is also worth writing down... This morning, going to a store to pick up a meat-pie, I got too close to a money truck and a guard pointed a massive shotgun at me. Most of the day was spent supervising a teacher-less classroom, managing insane jr. high kids all day. I counted 5 comments from the girls about my beautiful blue eyes, while the boys just threaten to stab everything in sight. At one point I physically had to bar the door and shove kids out of the entrance to keep them in the class. My partner drew a massive penis on the board during one long impassioned speech, and in the final class, a student vomited out his nose.

Issues with God

Lately it seems that I have issues with everyone. I always thought I was easy-going and could get along with everyone, but apparently not. I have issues with my former landlords over money matters, issues with my “employers” over communication and issues with school and prison officials over (their) laziness. Some of this is no doubt entirely my fault, but it still leaves me frustrated…

So anyway, I can just hear a bunch of Christians reading this and saying, “it’s okay. Just turn to God. He’ll take care of you.” And with that, we come to the reason for this post: my issues with God, whose help I would greatly appreciate to resolve my issues with people. Whatever it means to be connected to God, I’m not. Like a billion married couples in the world, we have bad communication. I struggle to understand God’s presence, and actions, in this world. The claim that the God of the universe gives a crap about what happens to us is rather presumptuous, but it’s one of the cornerstones of religion, and Christian thought in particular. God apparently talks to us, or at least to millions of other Christians. Since I have never heard a voice booming from heaven, and my dreams tend to involve my fighting animals and not spiritual guidance, I have asked a bunch of other Christians, especially Charismatic ones that emphasise such things, how God speaks to us.

Through the Bible…
The Bible is great for learning about morality and useful for understanding theology. (In fact, I should probably go research the Biblical principles of God-communication). I don’t know how much it helps personal communication though. The Bible doesn’t tell me if I should quit my job, start a project, lend a friend R5000, or drop a weight class. The Bible seems to suggest that the Spirit of God takes care of these things. Does the Spirit work together with the Bible? When I actually read the Bible (instead of reading about it) I get really confused. It's not made clear to me at all. I’ve even tried the “open the Bible” trick, where you throw open the Bible and trust that God wanted you to read the verse that appears. Sometimes it actually works… unfortunately, “God” tends to tell different people different things... For example, the last time I tried this trick, struggling to understand the conept of hell, I landed on a very Universalist chapter. I doubt a lot of charismatics have had the Spirit tell them that hell is temporary.

It's sometimes argued that, the closer you are to God, the more correct your understanding of Scripture. Works great in theory, but in practice? Billy Graham and Mother Theresa, two of the most “godly” people of recent times, have vastly different understandings of theology. And even if God does give some people flawless Bible understanding, how do the rest of us know who they are?

Other Christians tell me that, while they might not understand the theology of the Bible, certain verses speak into certain people’s lives. For example, the story of the ungrateful servant convinced me to indeed lend a friend R5000, but I’m still unsure about whether I heard from God, or just put myself on a guilt trip. Personal interpretation is not always benign either; the Dutch Reform church in South Africa decided that the story of Joshua spoke to them in a special way, which meant white people were the chosen race and black people the evil Caananites. I’m pretty sure that one wasn’t from God.

Through the emotions. You “feel the presence of God”. Maybe I’m the wrong person for this one, as I am not in touch with my feelings (my most emotional moments usually involve sports) and very cynical. In fact, this might be one of my barriers to experiencing God. At a worship session I want to make sure that I REALLY feel God moving, instead of just enjoying the music. (Usually I do neither, I’m just bored.) Nor do I especially crave “feeling” God, I just want Him to tell me stuff. I’m not totally immune to Spiritual experiences, though: I once spoke in tongues. It was very unexpected and very strange. I even tried to swear in tongues. Surely, I thought, the Spirit won’t allow this, and sure enough I could not swear. This very cool experience helps remind me of God’s existence, but is singularly unhelpful for planning my life now. If God communicates through feelings, does that mean I should trust my emotions? I thought that was the cornerstone of irresponsible living.

Through that “still small voice”. This is the one that honestly confuses me, and I’ve tried to get definite answers from many different people. How does God talk to us? Do we “hear a voice” in our brain, or feel a conviction, or assume that when another person gives adive it is coming from God? How does this one work? (I really want to know. Tell me.) A charismatic pastor explained to me that there are 3 “voices” we hear: God’s, Satan’s (or that of demons) and our own. It's almost like that cartoon with the angel on one shoulder adn the devil on another. A sceptic would assume that most thoughts, good or bad, come into my head without any supernatural voice … but let’s work with the “two voices” idea.

Some thoughts act loving, speak the truth, help another person) can be safely assumed to be from God, or at least agree with what God would say. Others (watch that pornography, tell that lie, punch that guy in the face) can be assumed to be evil, even if Satan himself didn’t actually say it. The problem is, there is a bunch of grey area. This encompasses both morally confusing areas (do I turn the other cheek or stand up for my rights? Can I teach kids a lesson I disagree with?) and practical, morally neutral ones (where do I live? What job do I do?). It seems that God would be giving the good, or correct, ideas, whereas Satan would imput the bad ones to screw up my life and make me unhappy... but how do I tell them apart? Is it God’s will, or the Devil’s, that I am in South Africa now?

Biblically, Satan seems to be pretty good at what he does. If Satan is speaking into my head, how dare I trust any thought at all? (I’ve been told he can fake near death experiences, so that unsaved people think they aren’t going to hell, which leads to a nasty shock when they actually do die. That takes a lot of power.) I’m not sure I believe this, but still… How can I possibly have faith in a voice that I presume to come from God when it might come from Satan? If Satan can decieve most of the world, why am I immune?

Even more troublesome, does God really want me to do what’s good for me? For all of the apostles, God’s will seemed to be torturous death. How can I trust that God wants something else for me? Perhaps, even if I find His will it will suck beyond all imagining. Perhaps God’s will is for sinful Africa to die of AIDS and crime, a plague of sorts. Where would this leave my peer education group and myself? Opposing God? The truth is I haven’t the foggiest idea what God wants for a bunch of things, so I have no reference point for deciding if in idea might be from Him.


Through circumstances.
Some Christains tell me that “there are no co-incidences” and that everything happens for a reason. I seriously doubt that, but I can believe that SOME things happen for a reason. ("You said 'shutout'? Of course the other team will score now.") More seriously, in my family, there have been numerous occasions of “opened doors” (as the Sound of Music would say) which seem to be signs from God. However, just like God’s voice, His signs aren’t always clear to me, nor do they unequivocally point in one direction. For example, does all the frustration I feel about Prison Work show that God is slamming a door in my face so I will move elsewhere? Or am I experiencing the “adversity from Satan” I hear so much about, and does God want me to fight it and persevere? Or perhaps God and Satan are both sitting there amazed at what a naïve fool I was to think I could do things in Africa without struggling all the tine. How do I know? Perhaps if I pray a lot, God will tell me.. probably through a feeling or a still small voice. Wow, I better stop typing before I say something really sacreligous.

Total surrender.
This one, I haven’t tried. I can’t even bring myself to sing “I surrender all” in church because I’d be lying. (Nor, for that matter, is Jesus everything I want.)According to many, this is the key to effective communication with God, so it may well be the reason I struggle so much. For me it’s like a big catch-22. I don't have faith without experiences, and maybe I can't get experiences without faith.

If God’s plan for me is to die under torture, like the apostle Peter, well maybe I’d rather live I’m not sure why, but I have trouble accepting that God really is, well, nice. I always picture him as more of a traffic cop. in my own will and accept less heavenly rewards. I’ve always distrusted God. “Okay, one lie… two lustful looks, and you said the F-word.. I’m gonna break your starter.” (In fact, the most supernatural force at work in my life seems to be bad karma. My pride AWAYS comes before a fall.) Clearly, God and I have problems beyond bad communication, but since communication is the one that seems to destroy early relationships, maybe I should work on that one.

Anyway, I always ask for comments on my blog, mostly because they make me feel important. This time, when I ask for comments, I have a purer motive. I really would appreaciate advice, or anwers. I’ll even take sympathy.

SCHOOL PROJECT

Wrestling results: I wrestled in a small tournament in Robertson, took 2nd. I pinned the SA high school champ in a wild match with a bunch of throws, and I finally caught him on his back in a scramble 6-1. 3-6, 5-1 pin). I lost in the finals to the SA Sr. Champ (0-6, 0-4). I got his legs several times but couldn't finish my shots.

Now to hype my project:

The location: Hanover park, a suburb in the Cape Flats notorious for its gang wars.

The school: Groenvlei high school, and under-staffed, heavily vandalised high school with an 80% rate of student failure. Because of it's location the buildings are under heavy attack, both from vandalising students, and from drug addicts who brave the razor-wiring at night to steal anything they can sell to a scrapyard.

The mission: To improve the school buildings. We are going to involve the "Peer Educator" students taught by the YMCA. Our hope is that, in addition to improving the school, we will instill students with a sense of ownership, so they will feel protective and respectful of the work they have done.

Specific steps:
A (next Tuesday): 25 door knobs have been broken or removed from doors. Along with the peer educators, we are replacing them with new, lockable door handles. All supplies have been bought, thanks to a generous donation by a certain reader of this blog.

B (coming up): We want to paint several of the peeling, grafitti-splattered classrooms. This will be a major undertaking, including moving an entire class at a time. We have most of the supplies ready, though we may need more paint.

C (hopeful plan): We want to re-wire the intercom system. Much of the wiring has been stolen. However, the quote the school got is rediculous, so I hope to find an electricial willing to do it at cost, with ourselves or students doing much of the labor. This one, if it happens, will cost a lot of time and money.

You can help: We can use as much prayer as possible. In fact, all of Hanover park needs a lot of prayer! Financially, we have all we need for now.. however, if we start needing more paint, or if the wiring project goes ahead, I will not be shy in asking for donations on this blog...

Anyway, that's the goal. I'll keep updates posted.